Meeting Katherine part 1

[monablackbird]

I decided to make a serie of poems dedicated to my future wife, Katherine, a serie of small stories let's say. Hope you enjoy, share with me my weaknesses as always please


An obvious scare on her face - Obvious scar upon her face
Black fingernail pointing to the west - I would cut these
David Bowie at his best - love the Bowie reference. i might cut David and use a more unexpected description for him instead. Maybe something like "Showboat Bowie at his best" or "Effing Bowie at his best". Or maybe even "Ziggy Stardust at his best". just some thoughts though.
Starts off cat's and mouse's chase - a bit cliche, awkward to say.

I am fighting a lost battle - cut
As I simultaneously prattle - and here
I don't know what makes a man
But our story already began
Who am I to talk?

Blistering cold inside her dark eyes - add/cut
She's luring me, I surmise - if rhyme is dictating your choice of words here perhaps "to my demise"?
I am already hers
Dark winter, cold, finally blurs
away

I feel like something's missing from that last stanza and could be tweaked in the "dark winter" line. Remember critique is all subjective suggestion. It's ultimately yours to do with as you wish.

Love the idea that you're writing these for your sweetheart. Valentines gift?

All the best and keep writing!
Mona