01-19-2013, 05:55 AM
Quote:The squat and laden vessel sat in port,--I'm not a fan of this opening. It feels a little too flat reportage to me. It could be me. I'd want to either combine the necessary elements into more vibrant lines (for me they are squat, vessel and port), or pull some of this into the title.
a former sprocket in a war machine,--This is a nice line. Its glory days are behind it. It is a routine cog floating in port
holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands--This points to ammunition and danger. I like gore-stained lands quite a bit
to make their bare and fruitless soil sprout green.--this is an extremely interesting line. War is the answer to famine and poverty. I get potential regeiem changes
Oops. Is see that you interpreted it as taking place during WWII, instead of after, so what I think I'll do is revise L2 by moving the word "former":
a sprocket in a former war machine,
That way, it's not a former part of a current war, it's a part of a former war. It was a re-purposed liberty ship loaded not with ammunition, but with ammonium nitrate fertilizer, the same stuff used by Timothy McVeigh to blow up the Federal Building in Oklahoma City.
Unconscious errors spawned a horrid loop---something more visual than this if you can
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,--This line works
as heat begetting heat infallibly--would begets be better here? Not sure
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge.--sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge is nicely phrased. I'm not sure you need makes
This is a very tricky stanza, because the whole topic is abstract, and best understood with a graph, not poetry. The problem with the cargo was that they took a substance that undergoes a slow chemical reaction and packed it together tightly in a space with inadequate ventilation. The heat from each bag of fertilizer was inconsequential, but when you pack them together, you get a feedback loop. Each bag heats up, heating up the neighboring bags. As each bag get hotter, the chemical reaction accelerates, which itself increases the rate of heat production. This is the same kind of feedback loop (not chemical, radioactive) you can get, for example, in a badly-designed nuclear reactor. The rods are kept at a precise distance from each other so that this kind of spiraling relationship is prevented. So I guess you could say this event was a chemical Chernobyl. Anyway, my first draft of the "heat begetting heat" line was actually:
as heat begetting heat begetting heat
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge.
That made sense to me, since burning fuses use a chain reaction, but I thought it might have too much repetition. I think I'll put it back.
First symptoms were a fever underfoot,--not sure underfoot is needed
I think I'm going to keep "underfoot" since it makes me think of the sailors feeling the heat of the deck through their boots.
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam--This and the entire stophe is really beautiful images. I would be tempted to lead the poem with this strophe.
That would be cool, but I have no idea how to set up the narrative if that part goes first. (There's a ship blowing up; when, where, and why?) Plus, the enjambment flows into the next stanza with the blast. It would be pretty impressive to see how it could be done, if it's possible. Maybe it could be done with a very well-known event that required no scene setup.
Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb;--this is also an extremely good line. There's a nice rhythm and sense of pacing to it
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb.--just a thought, you may want to see what removing the line above and tying lightless, sterile, numb more closely with this line. I don't mind the line above but it may work better without it. Again, nothing I'm passionate about just a thought
I'm not sure how to get rid of the "for all on board" line, since it basically starts the logical reasoning behind the image on the two previous lines. When I was contemplating the first draft, I was wondering how to render an observer's image of the blast at it's core. Then I realized that the observer doesn't get a visual, auditory, or any other image of the core. He's vaporized along with all his sense organs, thus the image of nullity and nothingness.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store.--good line. Did you mean churn
Nope, meant church. Common buildings close to the waterfront were flooded by a mini-tsunami.
Thanks for excellent suggestions! I'll just make the minor changes above without posting a full revision, since I've noted the original lines here.