Disaster on the SS Grandcamp (2nd Revision)

[Todd]

Hi svanhoeven, I kept meaning to get back to this one. I at least get to address the revision. Here goes:

1st revision:

The squat and laden vessel sat in port,--I'm not a fan of this opening. It feels a little too flat reportage to me. It could be me. I'd want to either combine the necessary elements into more vibrant lines (for me they are squat, vessel and port), or pull some of this into the title.[/g]
a former sprocket in a war machine,[b]--This is a nice line. Its glory days are behind it. It is a routine cog floating in port
holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands--This points to ammunition and danger. I like gore-stained lands quite a bit
to make their bare and fruitless soil sprout green.--this is an extremely interesting line. War is the answer to famine and poverty. I get potential regeiem changes

Unconscious errors spawned a horrid loop---something more visual than this if you can
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,--This line works
as heat begetting heat infallibly--would begets be better here? Not sure
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge.--sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge is nicely phrased. I'm not sure you need makes

First symptoms were a fever underfoot,--not sure underfoot is needed
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam--This and the entire stophe is really beautiful images. I would be tempted to lead the poem with this strophe.
erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream,--again some of the best writing in the poem

but warping frame and failing mounts amid--you may not need amid
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs were cracked and splintering,
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon--

Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb;--this is also an extremely good line. There's a nice rhythm and sense of pacing to it
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb.--just a thought, you may want to see what removing the line above and tying lightless, sterile, numb more closely with this line. I don't mind the line above but it may work better without it. Again, nothing I'm passionate about just a thought

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.

Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store.--good line. Did you mean churn
The anchor, falling many miles away,
plunged into prairie grass, not ocean floor.--that's a scary image

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains.--very nice

Drawn by the roar, a bar-room gawker turns
away from searing heat. Thrown off his feet,
the man is struck behind his head, then turns
around to drunkenly accuse the street.--very clever

In time, the fires were doused, and corpses clothed
in oil and silt were piled and tagged. Burnt bits
of flesh and disembodied limbs were blessed,
then placed in caskets dropped in earthen pits.

Now decades out, sole remnants of the day
are found in somber memories, high praise
for men who fought the flames, and doorstops made
from far-flung fragments scattered by the blaze.

It's a long poem, but its got some great lines and a lot going on. I hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd