Disaster on the SS Grandcamp (2nd Revision)

[svanhoeven]

Thanks TimeOnMyHands for your great suggestions. My replies are below, and I'm posting the full revision above.

The squat and laden vessel sat in port, puts me straight in the frame good opening line
a former sprocket in a war machine,
holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands
to make its cratered soils instead ooze green. I didnt undersand this

I got too obscure and indirect on this one. The "instead ooze green" phrase tried to do double duty- the fertilizer on the ship was for post-war France. To express the idea flatly, I meant "ooze green (crops/plants) instead of red (i.e. blood)", which referenced the previous "gore-stained" line. To keep the fertilizer in there, which is what caused the blast in the first place, I've revised it to:

holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands
to make their bare and fruitless soil sprout green.

Unconscious errors spawned a horrid loop-
a high school chemistry mistake writ large, this sound a bit forced to catch the rhyme of the last line
as heat begetting heat infallibly
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge. great line

Ugh. I'm stuck with "writ large". It's a common phrase, but I really like the last line, and diddly-squat rhymes with "charge".

First symptoms were a fever underfoot,
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
proceeding from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream, I like the way you make this bubble like a caldron not sure about proceeding doesn't feel the right word for some reason

Good call there. Proceeding is a very slow, non-dramatic word to use for steam jetting from inside the holds and outside the hull. I've replaced it with:

erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream,

but warping frame and failing mounts amid
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs had cracked and buckled then do you need then again here
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon--

That's an unnecessary artifact of the iambic pentameter. You caught a good opportunity to turn the repetition of a "connecting" word into content, so I've replaced it with:

Once metal ribs were cracked and splintering,
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon--

Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store; I like the use of above Below two great images
the anchor, hurled an hour's stroll away, feels awkward
sits moored in prairie grass, not ocean floor. are anchors moore or dropped?

Yep, an "hour's stroll" is a very roundabout way to express the distance the anchor was thrown. I might as well express that more directly. Plus, now that I think about it, why put the word "stroll" in the middle of the drama? It sounds unhurried. Also, instead of an image of the anchor already landed and stuck (moored) in the ground, I like your suggestion of the anchor falling better. Moving images are better than static images. So I've replaced it with:

The anchor, falling many miles away,
plunged into prairie grass, not ocean floor.

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains. I like the words but dont really understand is a brooklet a small river?

A brooklet is a small brook or creek. I'm not sure how widely used the word is outside the US.

Now decades out, the day consists of plots did you mean bay?
of land with bronze historical displays,
grim memories, and rusty doorstops made
from far-flung fragments scattered by the blaze.

I meant day, as in "the day it happened", so I've revised it to try to make it clearer:

Now decades out, sole remnants of the day
are found in somber memories, high praise
for men who fought the flames, and doorstops made
from far-flung fragments scattered by the blaze.

Thanks, I think your suggestions really smoothed it out and made it more dramatic.