01-18-2013, 11:53 PM
Hi Todd
I really like your poem, and the steady pace of it - i also have a coupla questions
The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage => I really like these lines - alot - I am not so sure about the title though, why do you need 'to travel toward'?
to golden streets. There is no comfort-
ing metaphor for this state.
The breath escapes,
the body shudders, exhales.
Life unzips like an old coat,
discarded.=> i love life unzips - but why discarded after a comma? it seems a bit lost and unnescessary to me.
Memories drown in the river
facts alone remain, well-worn stones
without significance. This is lost to us,
a Lethean draught, irremediable => and here I am a bit confused - you tell us about the river of oblivion, but what is lost? the memories - ok - shouldn't it be 'these are'? When I first read this I read Irredeemable - actually I struggle to say irremediable... I am sure it is a word but wouldnt we normally say incurable or without remedy?
It is the memories that drown, but the narrator who takes a glug (draught) - I find the subject of this part a bit obscured.
Anyway although I understand you perfectly well (I think) there seems to be something amiss.
concealing loves, cares that bind, tying => why not conceals, do you really need the comma and tying? On the topic of conceals - the draught obliterates all memories, so the loves are more deleted or removed than concealed arent they? They are not there and they have never been there.
us to this world, that we may not leave
this woman at my bedside, my wife, => and here I am also a bit confuzzled because you change from 'we' to 'my' mid sentence.
presses a damp cloth to my face.
She has become
an actress in an old movie
that I might have watched once.
These recollections form an endless list
of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames
in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever.
[/quote]
I do like this, it is both simple and complex simultaneously, and the pace seems to re-inforce the last exhalation idea, just waiting. Purgatoryesque?
I have been a but picky I think - but that is because I really like it, not because I don't - very fab idea IMHO.
StalKeR
I really like your poem, and the steady pace of it - i also have a coupla questions
The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage => I really like these lines - alot - I am not so sure about the title though, why do you need 'to travel toward'?
to golden streets. There is no comfort-
ing metaphor for this state.
The breath escapes,
the body shudders, exhales.
Life unzips like an old coat,
discarded.=> i love life unzips - but why discarded after a comma? it seems a bit lost and unnescessary to me.
Memories drown in the river
facts alone remain, well-worn stones
without significance. This is lost to us,
a Lethean draught, irremediable => and here I am a bit confused - you tell us about the river of oblivion, but what is lost? the memories - ok - shouldn't it be 'these are'? When I first read this I read Irredeemable - actually I struggle to say irremediable... I am sure it is a word but wouldnt we normally say incurable or without remedy?
It is the memories that drown, but the narrator who takes a glug (draught) - I find the subject of this part a bit obscured.
Anyway although I understand you perfectly well (I think) there seems to be something amiss.
concealing loves, cares that bind, tying => why not conceals, do you really need the comma and tying? On the topic of conceals - the draught obliterates all memories, so the loves are more deleted or removed than concealed arent they? They are not there and they have never been there.
us to this world, that we may not leave
this woman at my bedside, my wife, => and here I am also a bit confuzzled because you change from 'we' to 'my' mid sentence.
presses a damp cloth to my face.
She has become
an actress in an old movie
that I might have watched once.
These recollections form an endless list
of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames
in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever.
[/quote]
I do like this, it is both simple and complex simultaneously, and the pace seems to re-inforce the last exhalation idea, just waiting. Purgatoryesque?
I have been a but picky I think - but that is because I really like it, not because I don't - very fab idea IMHO.
StalKeR