01-18-2013, 08:30 AM
(01-18-2013, 06:23 AM)shemthepenman Wrote: I really like the 'purpose' of this poem (for want of a better word). But some of the wording seems to go against it. 'Syncopated sight'? 'Nuclear flame'? and 'a thousand light-years'? I am not certain these are the best choice of words. They sound a little like a struggle to sound profound. A struggle and ultimately produce the opposite effect (but it happens - especially when writing about love or death).Yikes! The last thing I want is to strive for profundity....I am opposed to profundity in all its esoteric manifestations.
*a struggle that ultimately produces the opposite effect.
I will not disagree with the subjectiveness of your crit but would excuse myself on the grounds that one man's profundity is anothers er...well, you get my meaning?
The syncopated sight is just what it says......looking at the same time.
Nuclear flame.....well, that IS what stars shine with, so it is what it says on the tin BUT you have a point...it is the wrong category of word for a love poem.
a thousand light years.... yes, it is verging on profound and so may need to be eliminated. I hoped that as the tenet of the piece was love link by light I would get away free....but it is not to be
This effort was inspired by a short story written years ago in which disillusioned love terminates in murderous intent....the two lovers became separated by events but gave early solace to each other by looking at the same sun at the same time though thousands of miles apart. It wasn't enough then and it still isn't.
Thanks for this. Changes will be credited.
Best
tectak