01-18-2013, 07:01 AM
Hey guys. I'm not posting this in serious critique because I think it's an amazing poem but because I really need serious critique and any potential improvement. You'll see in the last stanza why.
Valentine
A drop in its delicate descend
towards the rigid ground
a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed
A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind
Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, by much lacks
Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart
In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond
Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred
A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?
Valentine
A drop in its delicate descend
towards the rigid ground
a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed
A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind
Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, by much lacks
Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart
In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond
Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred
A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?