01-17-2013, 11:55 PM
Chess again? I'll try to get back to this one in a few minutes or hours. The weather outside is putting me in difficult moods for reasons no one wants to hear.
I'll try to get my head straight and read this properly, and leave some sensible comments. It doesn't seem bad. I have a few ideas about it working up.
White Then Black
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
I like that all right.
No bloodshed,
But destruction wrought.
As order breaks,
And equality falls.
You got the sounds working for you in "equality falls", but I keep reading 'fails'. But that's just me.
Stand firm, behind your kingdom.
Dapper man, on dapper man,
The clock’s ticking, so
Brandish your blades!
The repeating is nice.
Swiftly, with habitual gestures,
Both armies advance.
Field cold, as dapper men
Poke for chinks.
There's a war against adverbs with some people in this world. I usually don't have a problem with them.
One, sent out a spy;
Lowly soldier, with worldly load.
Hopes for the other
To not notice.
The above stanza could be looked at more closely. The first line and the last. The comma in the first. And the wording of the last: but I can't think well enough right now to say that it should be changed.
One, sent out a scout;
Knight on horse, sturdy and fast.
Maybe there’s
A point of entry.
Espionage success!
Wave of hand,
Pushing soldier forward,
Confidence overflowing.
A castle WILL fall.
Ground shoots, from
Frosty to
White hot.
A siege at hand.
Trembling hand, clenches
Into fist, desperate.
No resource,
No counter in sight.
Invasion incoming,
Gaping hole in armour;
The king falls, devastated.
No point struggling.
Dapper man, on dapper man;
One head high, the other down.
Acute battle, of minds with brawns,
Settled in thirty minutes.
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
Once again.
I like the rest of it. But I might come back to it and say more. I do like the hurried, cold feel of the action.
I'll try to get my head straight and read this properly, and leave some sensible comments. It doesn't seem bad. I have a few ideas about it working up.
White Then Black
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
I like that all right.
No bloodshed,
But destruction wrought.
As order breaks,
And equality falls.
You got the sounds working for you in "equality falls", but I keep reading 'fails'. But that's just me.
Stand firm, behind your kingdom.
Dapper man, on dapper man,
The clock’s ticking, so
Brandish your blades!
The repeating is nice.
Swiftly, with habitual gestures,
Both armies advance.
Field cold, as dapper men
Poke for chinks.
There's a war against adverbs with some people in this world. I usually don't have a problem with them.
One, sent out a spy;
Lowly soldier, with worldly load.
Hopes for the other
To not notice.
The above stanza could be looked at more closely. The first line and the last. The comma in the first. And the wording of the last: but I can't think well enough right now to say that it should be changed.
One, sent out a scout;
Knight on horse, sturdy and fast.
Maybe there’s
A point of entry.
Espionage success!
Wave of hand,
Pushing soldier forward,
Confidence overflowing.
A castle WILL fall.
Ground shoots, from
Frosty to
White hot.
A siege at hand.
Trembling hand, clenches
Into fist, desperate.
No resource,
No counter in sight.
Invasion incoming,
Gaping hole in armour;
The king falls, devastated.
No point struggling.
Dapper man, on dapper man;
One head high, the other down.
Acute battle, of minds with brawns,
Settled in thirty minutes.
On checkered field,
Two armies stand.
Of fierce warriors,
Of gentlemen.
Once again.
I like the rest of it. But I might come back to it and say more. I do like the hurried, cold feel of the action.