01-17-2013, 04:26 PM
Try to add punctuation to your poem so you can introduce the appropriate pauses in the right places. Honestly, I think this should be in the mild, even serious critique section instead of novice. It is actually written rather beautifully. Some lines tend to be a little too long though, so you can think about breaking it off into another line. For example, I'd break "as I ran unguided circles around my head desperately", with "around" as the start of the next line.
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