Dependence

[nothing_good16]

I think it's good that you pared it down, because the previous version was wordy and sounded like prose in spots.

Now, I understand this is about an abortion, but if I try to read it "fresh", and pretend I've never seen the poem and never read the above comments, I find myself confused about the initial scene. The reader has to read all the way to line 10 before we know it's about a "child", and even then it's not specifically a fetus or a baby.

Since the poem is a narrative of sorts, before you can go into how the narrator feels about what's going on, you need to do some extra scene setup so a better context is formed in the reader's mind. Otherwise, the reader uses up mental horsepower trying to conjure a coherent scene rather than emoting along with the narrator.

So without saying abortion, you need to provide some associated images. Just shutting my eyes and imagining, I can see: a masked doctor with a stainless steel claw, bare legs in metal stirrups, harsh lights pointed at private places, etc. Very clinical. Then after the "procedure", the fetus/baby is whisked away, leaving no time for she/it and the mother to be alone together. So the final image probably needs to be revised too, if you mean they are alone together.

Long story short- in my opinion, strengthen the narrative beginning and ending with concrete imagery that sets the context, then work on the middle.

I understand. that makes sense. but what I meant by "we were both alone" was how the woman was alone because she had no support and the fetus was alone because the mother wasn't there....I didn't mean it in the sense of being alone "together"...i guess I should find a way to clarify that? and what do you suggest I should strengthen in the middle rather than imagery?