01-17-2013, 01:20 AM
Great work and welcome! I might be odd, but I like the redundancy. I like the whole phrase "not the night nor lack of light" immensely. I would add some more imagery as was already mentioned. Like instead of saying needles and tubes maybe just describe them a bit ambiguously. What might someone think they are if they had no idea what needles or tubes were? Or instead of describing the hospital room with "stinking stifling", maybe say what the subject feels in that room. I hope that makes sense? All the best and thank you for sharing your poetry. 