A poem

[brandontoh]

I think you can try adding some punctuation, like commas and periods here and there. They can provide proper pauses here and there to make the poem flow better. Personally I'd make the feeling of pain and being in a suffocating room more pronounced. Show, don't tell. For example, "twinge of pain" and "hot stinking and stifling" both don't immerse me into the poetry. Nice attempt though.