01-15-2013, 09:40 PM
Hey so it's like Leanne said nearly everyone between say 12 and 25 feels like a loner, and some sort of freak (puberty really is a bitch).
For example back in the Jurassic period, when I was younger. I moved from a city where I knew everyone to a small little hick town where I got to attend a thug junior high (our term for middle school). Kids that have known you from elementary school sort of get used to your differences, and I hadn't had to fight much since third grade. Life suddenly got seeded with a whole new bunch of assholes.
For the next three years I was in hell. I am not exaggerating that I got in fights every day--usually multiple fights. Fighting didn't really lead to suspensions in those days, and that was good. I used humor to diffuse as many situations as possible, but I wasn't going to stand by and "take it"--so there you go. Why all the trouble? You've talked about looks being an issue for you. Truth is everyone and I mean everyone has an issue of some sort. Some people won't figure that out until they're in the wasteland of their 20s or 30s when they look at the wreckage of their life, or they continue to screw up and hurt themselves and everyone else around them. Most people though understand that way early.
For me, that issue was the way I walked (insanely minor case of cerebral palsy). I was convinced that this one factor would lead me to a life of pain, loneliness, and depression. I was positive and there was no arguing with me (not that I brought it up in public) that I would die alone, or just choose to end it one day. I used humor like you did, and said how I wanted people to laugh and be happy--and that was partly true. What I really wanted was people to like me for me, and be happy myself. I was sure that would never happen.
The pressure cooker of life kept doing what it does best building the pressure. One day I was in an English class in senior year, there was some conversation going on between the instructor and the students. The instructor something that was really, really funny. Everyone was acting too cool to respond. I started laughing like a maniac realizing on some level everyone was caught up in such self conscious bullshit. I just decided not to play anymore. I was still sure things could go badly for me, but I decided to just say "fuck it all" and start just taking chances. If I was sure I was going to miserable anyway then what did I have to lose.
I'm not really an introvert. I think of myself as a bit of an antisocial extrovert. That said pretty much from that point forward the pressure was off. If I liked a girl. I walked up to her and asked her out (this had mixed results into my 20s, but it sure beat the hell out of the feeling of trapped anguish). If I wanted to be "picked". I looked at the person picking and said hey I'm good at this. Do you want to do well? I got picked more. People started liking me, because I was less focused on me, and more interesting to them (again back to Leanne's point people are mostly always in their own little world).
The confidence and approach alone made me more approachable. So when I think of your situation my suggestion is to do what feels uncomfortable and take initiative when you want something. You have to be willing to accept poor initial consequences. Be aware that poor initial consequences sometimes find a way to work themselves out in a positive way. People may never start a conversation about you. The trick is realizing that definitely in that demographic (and for some the rest of their lives) people want to focus on and talk about themselves. You control most conversations by asking questions and listening. You probably do that anyway. Keep at it, and don't worry if people don't change. If they are shallow and never talk to you then move on to others some of them will eventually miss the interaction and grow up a bit. If they don't screw em they weren't worth your time.
I'm married. I have a son. Before that, I dated people that liked me, found me infuriating and interesting. This is the pattern that most people follow. There truly are people that you will connect with. It does happen--really, hang in there.
Stop obsessing to the best of your ability and take action.
Oh and to the normal family thing, popular culture is so full of shit on that. Let's see my mother has had four husbands (some crazy), and I went through a hell of a lot. Upon reflection, she raised me well in some areas, screwed up in others, on the whole it turned out fine. Though that's taken years and finally being a parent myself to reflect on properly. Every family is a little bit nuts.
We've all been there where you are (only with different issues). That said, we were all alone in some real way--next to a group of other people that we're also all alone, even if some were too shallow to recognize that singular fact.
I understand you, and yes laughter is a good thing (its a bit of a social tool, a coping mechanism, and a means to diffuse violence). In relationships it can help quite a bit. Again though, you'll hear people say be confident, act confident, self-help this, self-help that... What's mostly important for a social life is to take action and not be passive. It's like writing you have to just accept that rejection occurs and refuse to be moved by it. It sounds easy to say, but it actually gets easier to do.
For example back in the Jurassic period, when I was younger. I moved from a city where I knew everyone to a small little hick town where I got to attend a thug junior high (our term for middle school). Kids that have known you from elementary school sort of get used to your differences, and I hadn't had to fight much since third grade. Life suddenly got seeded with a whole new bunch of assholes.
For the next three years I was in hell. I am not exaggerating that I got in fights every day--usually multiple fights. Fighting didn't really lead to suspensions in those days, and that was good. I used humor to diffuse as many situations as possible, but I wasn't going to stand by and "take it"--so there you go. Why all the trouble? You've talked about looks being an issue for you. Truth is everyone and I mean everyone has an issue of some sort. Some people won't figure that out until they're in the wasteland of their 20s or 30s when they look at the wreckage of their life, or they continue to screw up and hurt themselves and everyone else around them. Most people though understand that way early.
For me, that issue was the way I walked (insanely minor case of cerebral palsy). I was convinced that this one factor would lead me to a life of pain, loneliness, and depression. I was positive and there was no arguing with me (not that I brought it up in public) that I would die alone, or just choose to end it one day. I used humor like you did, and said how I wanted people to laugh and be happy--and that was partly true. What I really wanted was people to like me for me, and be happy myself. I was sure that would never happen.
The pressure cooker of life kept doing what it does best building the pressure. One day I was in an English class in senior year, there was some conversation going on between the instructor and the students. The instructor something that was really, really funny. Everyone was acting too cool to respond. I started laughing like a maniac realizing on some level everyone was caught up in such self conscious bullshit. I just decided not to play anymore. I was still sure things could go badly for me, but I decided to just say "fuck it all" and start just taking chances. If I was sure I was going to miserable anyway then what did I have to lose.
I'm not really an introvert. I think of myself as a bit of an antisocial extrovert. That said pretty much from that point forward the pressure was off. If I liked a girl. I walked up to her and asked her out (this had mixed results into my 20s, but it sure beat the hell out of the feeling of trapped anguish). If I wanted to be "picked". I looked at the person picking and said hey I'm good at this. Do you want to do well? I got picked more. People started liking me, because I was less focused on me, and more interesting to them (again back to Leanne's point people are mostly always in their own little world).
The confidence and approach alone made me more approachable. So when I think of your situation my suggestion is to do what feels uncomfortable and take initiative when you want something. You have to be willing to accept poor initial consequences. Be aware that poor initial consequences sometimes find a way to work themselves out in a positive way. People may never start a conversation about you. The trick is realizing that definitely in that demographic (and for some the rest of their lives) people want to focus on and talk about themselves. You control most conversations by asking questions and listening. You probably do that anyway. Keep at it, and don't worry if people don't change. If they are shallow and never talk to you then move on to others some of them will eventually miss the interaction and grow up a bit. If they don't screw em they weren't worth your time.
I'm married. I have a son. Before that, I dated people that liked me, found me infuriating and interesting. This is the pattern that most people follow. There truly are people that you will connect with. It does happen--really, hang in there.
Stop obsessing to the best of your ability and take action.
Oh and to the normal family thing, popular culture is so full of shit on that. Let's see my mother has had four husbands (some crazy), and I went through a hell of a lot. Upon reflection, she raised me well in some areas, screwed up in others, on the whole it turned out fine. Though that's taken years and finally being a parent myself to reflect on properly. Every family is a little bit nuts.
We've all been there where you are (only with different issues). That said, we were all alone in some real way--next to a group of other people that we're also all alone, even if some were too shallow to recognize that singular fact.
I understand you, and yes laughter is a good thing (its a bit of a social tool, a coping mechanism, and a means to diffuse violence). In relationships it can help quite a bit. Again though, you'll hear people say be confident, act confident, self-help this, self-help that... What's mostly important for a social life is to take action and not be passive. It's like writing you have to just accept that rejection occurs and refuse to be moved by it. It sounds easy to say, but it actually gets easier to do.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson