01-15-2013, 01:34 PM
Hey Fathima,
You don't have to apologize for any poem you write no matter the meaning.
My interpretation is that "the box" represents people who are closed minded or people who don't think for themselves. It goes with that whole saying of not "thinking outside of the box." I'm probably wrong, but that's how I read it.
"But all he saw were her tears fall, because she understood that they have gone way too far."---I actually like where you're going with this, but it can be shortened.
I understand the repetition of "the box" and that it's significant in getting the point across, but the all the "but's" I think you can take them out.
"The box said, 'Look at that man! He commits crime! '
But all he saw was a man who liked to pray on time"
I get where that's going, but I think it can be expressed better...I just don't see the connection between crime and praying
I think you can remove "The box said, 'Look at yourself! You don't belong!", the two lines that are below says enough and this just doesn't add anything, I understand it will effect your rhyme so it's up to you, maybe you change it.
"The box said, 'Look at that woman! She is oppressed! '
But all he saw was a woman pious and blessed."
This really hit the mark in my opinion...I really, really love these 2 lines.
Overall, I like the confidence and the passion in this poem. Good read!
You don't have to apologize for any poem you write no matter the meaning.
My interpretation is that "the box" represents people who are closed minded or people who don't think for themselves. It goes with that whole saying of not "thinking outside of the box." I'm probably wrong, but that's how I read it.
"But all he saw were her tears fall, because she understood that they have gone way too far."---I actually like where you're going with this, but it can be shortened.
I understand the repetition of "the box" and that it's significant in getting the point across, but the all the "but's" I think you can take them out.
"The box said, 'Look at that man! He commits crime! '
But all he saw was a man who liked to pray on time"
I get where that's going, but I think it can be expressed better...I just don't see the connection between crime and praying
I think you can remove "The box said, 'Look at yourself! You don't belong!", the two lines that are below says enough and this just doesn't add anything, I understand it will effect your rhyme so it's up to you, maybe you change it.
"The box said, 'Look at that woman! She is oppressed! '
But all he saw was a woman pious and blessed."
This really hit the mark in my opinion...I really, really love these 2 lines.
Overall, I like the confidence and the passion in this poem. Good read!