01-15-2013, 10:22 AM
The night is starting..
Those two dots, what are they for ".."?
The stars are not shining..
The moon is hiding..
The darkness is so over..taking..
Pauses, I guess. The "so overtaking" is a little hard to deal with. It almost seems like you mean "overwhelming" or something like that. But I might be wrong.
Can't you take my hand..
People do say that all the time. But it means "cannot you take my hand" it could be "can you not take my hand"; but that's not always appropriate: just "can you take my hand". But then again, "can't" will apply a negative feeling, if you want that here. If no one thinks about it too much, "Can't you take my hand" fits the tone.
Can't you come where I stand..
I need you to show me the way..
I need your smile to lighten my night & day..
My soul has no song other than your name..
My heart has no beat other than you my dream..
Your hair is the sea waves take me away..
"that take me away"?
Your eyes are my soul tunnel to the heaven, so high..
Maybe
I want to touch your hands every night..
I want to sleep between your arms to be quiet..
The line is kind of funny.
I miss you..
I miss you
It gets its point across. Some of the wording is interesting, and maybe could be looked at closer. A lot could be done with it. A lot could be said that's not been said. To make the poem more vivid, and add character. Sometimes a simple poem that could have been made by anyone is a good way to express a true longing. In simple, plain language. But here you can play around with some other ideas, to add dimensions and personality to the poem. And people that will help you. If you like.
Those two dots, what are they for ".."?
The stars are not shining..
The moon is hiding..
The darkness is so over..taking..
Pauses, I guess. The "so overtaking" is a little hard to deal with. It almost seems like you mean "overwhelming" or something like that. But I might be wrong.
Can't you take my hand..
People do say that all the time. But it means "cannot you take my hand" it could be "can you not take my hand"; but that's not always appropriate: just "can you take my hand". But then again, "can't" will apply a negative feeling, if you want that here. If no one thinks about it too much, "Can't you take my hand" fits the tone.
Can't you come where I stand..
I need you to show me the way..
I need your smile to lighten my night & day..
My soul has no song other than your name..
My heart has no beat other than you my dream..
Your hair is the sea waves take me away..
"that take me away"?
Your eyes are my soul tunnel to the heaven, so high..
Maybe
I want to touch your hands every night..
I want to sleep between your arms to be quiet..
The line is kind of funny.
I miss you..
I miss you
It gets its point across. Some of the wording is interesting, and maybe could be looked at closer. A lot could be done with it. A lot could be said that's not been said. To make the poem more vivid, and add character. Sometimes a simple poem that could have been made by anyone is a good way to express a true longing. In simple, plain language. But here you can play around with some other ideas, to add dimensions and personality to the poem. And people that will help you. If you like.