01-15-2013, 10:21 AM
Hi Ema, welcome to the site!
My initial suggestion to you is read this out loud to see how the rhythm could be improved. Your first line doesn't add much that the title doesn't give you already. I'd consider cutting it. Here's an example of what you might do to aid rhythm with your first few lines. Just an example:
Just some thoughts,
Todd
My initial suggestion to you is read this out loud to see how the rhythm could be improved. Your first line doesn't add much that the title doesn't give you already. I'd consider cutting it. Here's an example of what you might do to aid rhythm with your first few lines. Just an example:
(01-15-2013, 08:10 AM)Ema Wrote: Stars not shining..Also, your hair in the sea waves is nice imagery.
Moon hiding..
The darkness is so over-
taking...Can't you take
my hand..
Can't you come
where I stand...
Just some thoughts,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson