01-15-2013, 06:50 AM
(01-14-2013, 10:19 PM)Sonata Wrote: An obvious scare on her face -- scar?I am not convinced that the first stanza adds anything to the poem. The only real "meat" is in the last stanza, introduced reasonably well by the second -- though there's still no actual substance. To be perfectly honest, this makes your "future wife" sound a lot like the Wicked Witch of the West, so good luck with that!
Black fingernail pointing to the west
David Bowie at his best
Starts off cat's and mouse's chase
I am fighting a lost battle
As I simultaneously prattle -- as "simultaneously" means doing two things at once, what else are you doing besides prattling?
I don't know what makes a man
But our story had already began -- grammatically this should be "begun", so this line really needs a rethink -- the correct usage is "it had begun" or "it began" (I know it's confusing soemtimes!)
Who am I to talk?
Blistering cold in her dark eyes
She's luring me, I surmise
I am already hers
Dark winter, cold, finally blurs
away
It could be worse
