01-14-2013, 10:43 PM
Most of this is nice.
When you get to:
I watch her parade instability.
I tell her to shut up but
she won't quit until pain numbs her,
after it seizes her limbs and uses them for bate.
Are you playing on the word "bate", "to bate"/"for bait"?
The next two lines are ok, but they seem a little tricky without punctuation. But maybe you want them bare like that.
That girl keeps quiet once asked
doesn't answer to help offered
When you get to:
I watch her parade instability.
I tell her to shut up but
she won't quit until pain numbs her,
after it seizes her limbs and uses them for bate.
Are you playing on the word "bate", "to bate"/"for bait"?
The next two lines are ok, but they seem a little tricky without punctuation. But maybe you want them bare like that.
That girl keeps quiet once asked
doesn't answer to help offered