hi mogra. good to see you taking feedback to heart. while your edit so far has improved the poem, it needss a lot more work. (i know being told that can be heart wrenching and i do feel for you or any poet such a thing is pointed out too. lets start with simile
pain like a shadow in the dark; while it works it feels a little weak
pain, a shadow [now you have a metaphor, and a solid image]
banished in the light of your smile [seemed] is padding.
another point to watch out for is cliche, you still have lots [a cliche is a well known phrase or part of one,] things like; your eyes shine like stars in the night. the light of your smile is another. so lets see what to suggest for that?
Pain, a shadow,
banished by your incandescent smile, [even 'smile' can be done away with to make it less obvious or pointed if we change it to incandescence.]
then we have
Hiding, biding waiting, [biding and waiting often mean the same or a similar thing] only one or the other is needed. lets say it's binding, now what? well we have two words and they are connected to the lines above
but are stock words in this kind of poetry. we need to make them pop [stand out better] we can do that by removing them, (by that i mean their intent)
Pain, a shadow,
banished by your incandescence
waiting for the black
and your absence
okay, it's not the greatest example but it's just a suggestion as to how you can break and remake the poem through edit in stanza by stanza way. sometimes the poet has to be really brave and cut a lot of a poem away in order to give it a new heart. the biggy though is no clichés
pain like a shadow in the dark; while it works it feels a little weak
pain, a shadow [now you have a metaphor, and a solid image]
banished in the light of your smile [seemed] is padding.
another point to watch out for is cliche, you still have lots [a cliche is a well known phrase or part of one,] things like; your eyes shine like stars in the night. the light of your smile is another. so lets see what to suggest for that?
Pain, a shadow,
banished by your incandescent smile, [even 'smile' can be done away with to make it less obvious or pointed if we change it to incandescence.]
then we have
Hiding, biding waiting, [biding and waiting often mean the same or a similar thing] only one or the other is needed. lets say it's binding, now what? well we have two words and they are connected to the lines above
but are stock words in this kind of poetry. we need to make them pop [stand out better] we can do that by removing them, (by that i mean their intent)
Pain, a shadow,
banished by your incandescence
waiting for the black
and your absence
okay, it's not the greatest example but it's just a suggestion as to how you can break and remake the poem through edit in stanza by stanza way. sometimes the poet has to be really brave and cut a lot of a poem away in order to give it a new heart. the biggy though is no clichés
(01-14-2013, 09:07 AM)Mogra Wrote: Pain, like a shadow in the dark,
Banished it seemed in the light of your smile,
Hiding, biding waiting,
Always there
With claws to rend, and talons pierce,
Inflicting cuts at first not deep,
Scarcely felt......,
That first cut
Time passes in an unseen haze,
Tinged red from hearts blood
Spurting free, now exposed
From the ravaged soul
Yet still I crave,
And hope and pray,
For healing from your smile,
From now until my grave.
Becomes with editing:
Succor
Pain, like a shadow in the dark,
Banished it seemed in the light of your smile,
Hiding, biding waiting,
Always there
What once was whole
Is now ravaged
Scarcely felt…
That first blemish
Time passes in an unseen haze
Skewed through the prism
shards of fragmented possibilities
All become one- Alone
Yet still I crave,
And hope and pray,
For healing from your smile,
From now until my grave.