01-14-2013, 02:22 PM
You could keep the image of the dead unborn child in L1 if you made it clearer you were imagining her future, rather than describing the present. Considering how gruesome the abortion process is, right or wrong, there's lots of potential imagery there. You may want to save that "bang" for the end, though.
On L2, you refer to the fetus as "it", but the rest of the poem you use "she" or "her". You could make this consistent by removing the "it", or maybe you could use that inconsistency as a tool in other parts of the poem. In the parts that call for aborting the fetus, you could use "it", then in the parts that call for saving the child, you could use "she" and "her". That would show the back and forth of de-personalization/humanization inherent in this kind of decision.
The other thing you may want to consider exploring is that sometimes the abortion happens in spite of the mother's desire to keep it. The father may be absent, unsupportive, abusive, etc. That would add more layers of complexity to the decision. However, if you're trying to highlight the mother's complete control of the situation, then maybe you could add something about another party's wishes, which I assume are being ignored or shown a lack of respect.
Definitely a lot of potential here.
On L2, you refer to the fetus as "it", but the rest of the poem you use "she" or "her". You could make this consistent by removing the "it", or maybe you could use that inconsistency as a tool in other parts of the poem. In the parts that call for aborting the fetus, you could use "it", then in the parts that call for saving the child, you could use "she" and "her". That would show the back and forth of de-personalization/humanization inherent in this kind of decision.
The other thing you may want to consider exploring is that sometimes the abortion happens in spite of the mother's desire to keep it. The father may be absent, unsupportive, abusive, etc. That would add more layers of complexity to the decision. However, if you're trying to highlight the mother's complete control of the situation, then maybe you could add something about another party's wishes, which I assume are being ignored or shown a lack of respect.
Definitely a lot of potential here.