High-Water Mark (1st Revision)

[Leanne]

This is my first poem. Thanks for your attention and criticism.

High-Water Mark
For the 40th anniversary of Apollo 17, December, 2012

I

Soon after brutal ape was graced
With cunning mind and nimble hands,
They grasped both word and implement -- you shift here from singular "brutal ape" to plural "they" -- a quick fix would be to alter L1 to "soon after brutal apes were graced"
And sought more fruitful far-off lands.

Devising hieroglyph and rune,
They logged the stars; then wielded tomes -- "then" seems a filler, but if you changed it to "they" it would give you some repetition and keep the meter
To guide their craft across the seas,
Redeeming wilds to make new homes.

Withdrawing wisdom from its sheath,
They felled old plagues, then lit the waste
With bolt and arc in copper veins,
Contagion and the dark erased. -- great stanza!

II

Then we in fragile armor clad -- the inverted syntax is a bit awkward here and not necessary for the rhyme -- what about "then clad in fragile armor, we"
Did breach the sky, defying void
'Tween Mother-Earth and Daughter-World, -- a colon might work better here, to give you a longer pause at the end of the line and allow the next line to have more impact
Man’s highest boundary destroyed.

Our race's ardor tried and spent,
With thinning purse and swollen fame
We shunted wealth to mend the poor,
Make well the old, a carnal aim.

We climbed down from our highest mount,
Resigned the goal, shook off its dust,
Surrendered gear as monuments,
Consigning all to moth and rust.

Then christening metallic thralls
In zeal for life and fearing woe,
We coasted shallows in their shade;
Paid distant heed; remained below.

III

But then a ghost rose into view
Discerned through artifice of glass;
Bleak omen of a monolith,
Far portent of some deadly mass.

With former prowess at its ebb,
We forged new arms to meet the bane
And flung our shafts against the foe,
Contesting blood and home in vain,

For they that measure signs foretold -- they who
The writ of doom would not be stayed.
Our scruples fled; we furled the law
And sundered oaths; all cried, some prayed.

The common clung to brood and creed,
While kings hid in a deep retreat; -- "hid in a" gives you a centre of fairly weak stresses and doesn't drive the meter well. Perhaps, "While nobles hid in deep retreat"?
Then stony fist turned flaming spear
And stabbed the Earth with melting heat.

IV

When mortal blow had landed home
To score the ground and cast its plume,
Then every vale was made a pyre
Of leaden ash and choking fume.

Bereft of drink, of grain, of kine,
Stark hunger reigned past any ban.
Each set his face against those dear,
Ate brother's flesh, devoured clan.

Last, light shone dim through fatal cloud -- missing two articles makes this line awkward -- perhaps put "the" instead of "last"
On pillars dashed, on fallen throne,
On mounds of corpses bound in earth,
Souls humbled to mere sums of bone. -- lots of m sounds make this line quite a long one on the tongue and the meter is not maximised -- my suggestion, to keep the assonance, would be "souls tumbled into humble bone"

Epilogue

If strangers from a far-flung sphere
Should trace and track our trail of wit,
Then sailing to our furthest shore
Would come to find upon it writ

Small furrows dug by dust-shod feet,
Bold sigils of an Earth-ward land,
A fleet exalting ancient gods,
Its iron vessels now unmanned.

If they a distant tongue could solve -- inverted syntax -- "if they could solve a distant tongue" works just as well for the meter
On metal shard, would, reading find -- "reading" is unnecessary, it's obvious that's what they'll be doing -- perhaps "on metal fragment, they would find"
Our sentiment made epitaph:
"We came in peace for all mankind."

Sole witness now, this sterile orb,
Proceeding 'round through ageless span-
Grim herald of the tomb below,
A stone to mark the grave of Man.

Excellent! You have a great feel for meter and you maintain the rhyme scheme well, without it dictating the poem. This was a great read -- I'm afraid I've been a bit more thorough than I normally would in Novice but the poem demanded it of me