01-13-2013, 11:51 AM
I like it. But, like Doola, I do think there are some places where you have more words than you need, and it sorta disrupts the flow when I read it. Like after "happiness." Happiness is three syllables, so it's a bit unbalanced to have the "is" after it.
Really though, a big problem in some poems is the repetition of articles. There's only a few, and they're necessary in prose and speech. We tend to gloss over them in those situations. Because of that, it's difficult to put in too many of them. However, poetry is more like music. People are gonna notice a quarter-note, even played really softly.
Basically, I really like your poem but it could flow better if you omitted some words that you don't need.
Really though, a big problem in some poems is the repetition of articles. There's only a few, and they're necessary in prose and speech. We tend to gloss over them in those situations. Because of that, it's difficult to put in too many of them. However, poetry is more like music. People are gonna notice a quarter-note, even played really softly.
Basically, I really like your poem but it could flow better if you omitted some words that you don't need.
Won't be seeing you through the field of tears I left behind