The War Within

[Leanne]

Doola, what you have here shows some really good thought processes that, with practise, will lead to good poetry. Practise is the key though -- and reading as much poetry as you can in order to get a feel for what's possible and how it can be done. For example, this poem is largely dependent on the rhyme scheme, which is quite good for the most part but in places it's obvious that you're trying to force words in to fit. This awkwardness will lessen with time and experience. I have not critiqued this as is required in Serious as you have stated that you are just starting out, so I suggest that this be moved to the Novice forum. If you are agreeable, please let me know and I'll move the thread.

You have some very fine lines here: "Kings react slow(ly) but peasants must hurry" and "Keep your head down lest you scrape the ceiling" are stand-outs. Be very careful of "Yoda-speak" -- mangling the grammar to fit the rhyme. Sometimes (very rarely) it works but mostly it just seems odd, as in your "doubt does lurk"/ "hope does float".

Some practise in meter will smooth out some of the bumps for you -- you will find some basic meter instruction here and some exercises in form in the Poetry Practice forum. In the meantime, please feel free to read and comment on other people's poems -- letting people know what you like and don't like can really make a difference to their poetry.

Welcome to the Pig Pen!