01-13-2013, 12:44 AM
Dear Universal (or should I call you Child?),
I really really like nearly all of this, but particularly dislike the first 2 lines. Firstly they should have a ? at the end, but no matter for that, I would prefer a pre-amble that points at general annoyance and how it is all about grinding us down. this is personal though. You do need something to head up the list - I agree.
How to describe how I feel some days,
trapped in this serotonin fucked haze...
The milk that curdles in your tea,
when you try hard to be carefree,=> these 2 lines are linked with when but the others not, ???
thoughts like poison in your brain,
being trapped outside in rain. caught instead of trapped? how do you get trapped outside?
Bird shit dripping down your coat,
when phlegm sticks inside your throat, => this would scan better for me if it were - phlegm that sticks
every important thing that you forgot, - each crucial thing that you forgot - is the right number of...
or every moment you get caught.
Shagging someone with regret,
dying for that cigarette,
running out of things to say,
the stink of your own tooth decay.
That re-infected paper cut,
fat that piles over your gut,
not knowing where you want to go,
or what expression you mean to show.
Weekends fucking with your head,
finding out your cat is dead,
falling out with all your friends,
no means and yet a thousand ends. => for me this is the best line in the pome- that is just endless bloody demands and the circularity of life when it is difficult.
Losing even though you tried,
passing thoughts of suicide,
hiding scars and cloaking shame
with only your own self to blame.
very true - you never get shat on by a bird on an otherwise brilliant day that has no challenges just lots and lots of success and fun and sunshine.
also big improvement on the first version
I like the title too. all in all very clever universalchild.
thanks for sharing.
StalkeR
I really really like nearly all of this, but particularly dislike the first 2 lines. Firstly they should have a ? at the end, but no matter for that, I would prefer a pre-amble that points at general annoyance and how it is all about grinding us down. this is personal though. You do need something to head up the list - I agree.
How to describe how I feel some days,
trapped in this serotonin fucked haze...
The milk that curdles in your tea,
when you try hard to be carefree,=> these 2 lines are linked with when but the others not, ???
thoughts like poison in your brain,
being trapped outside in rain. caught instead of trapped? how do you get trapped outside?
Bird shit dripping down your coat,
when phlegm sticks inside your throat, => this would scan better for me if it were - phlegm that sticks
every important thing that you forgot, - each crucial thing that you forgot - is the right number of...
or every moment you get caught.
Shagging someone with regret,
dying for that cigarette,
running out of things to say,
the stink of your own tooth decay.
That re-infected paper cut,
fat that piles over your gut,
not knowing where you want to go,
or what expression you mean to show.
Weekends fucking with your head,
finding out your cat is dead,
falling out with all your friends,
no means and yet a thousand ends. => for me this is the best line in the pome- that is just endless bloody demands and the circularity of life when it is difficult.
Losing even though you tried,
passing thoughts of suicide,
hiding scars and cloaking shame
with only your own self to blame.
very true - you never get shat on by a bird on an otherwise brilliant day that has no challenges just lots and lots of success and fun and sunshine.
also big improvement on the first version
I like the title too. all in all very clever universalchild.
thanks for sharing.
StalkeR