01-12-2013, 11:11 PM
"as the one who’d admit her"
Sounds a little forced. It makes sense, though.
And I was thinking it means
I am does not sum up the part
she plays, as the one who’d admit her
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.
Though the comma doesn't look very attractive there. And without the comma, it sort of blends the 'I am' and 'the part' at the same time as it makes a distinction between them. But I'm getting crude again. And what is this 'it' I keep talking about?
And the last part:
and sensible men will permit her
to smother her silence, for art
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.
I wish I knew somebody that would do that. But there are no sensible men, and a lot of women that give up their talent so not to break hearts. Though they still break hearts in the old fashioned way. So it amounts to the same chaos.
A pretty good poem. Approached with the proper bit of humour, even the "admit her" "quitter" rhymes begin to come off.
Sounds a little forced. It makes sense, though.
And I was thinking it means
I am does not sum up the part
she plays, as the one who’d admit her
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.
Though the comma doesn't look very attractive there. And without the comma, it sort of blends the 'I am' and 'the part' at the same time as it makes a distinction between them. But I'm getting crude again. And what is this 'it' I keep talking about?
And the last part:
and sensible men will permit her
to smother her silence, for art
evolves, takes the head, breaks the heart.
I wish I knew somebody that would do that. But there are no sensible men, and a lot of women that give up their talent so not to break hearts. Though they still break hearts in the old fashioned way. So it amounts to the same chaos.
A pretty good poem. Approached with the proper bit of humour, even the "admit her" "quitter" rhymes begin to come off.