01-12-2013, 03:58 AM
Hello Pete Ak. Just a few random comments, only my first crit…
It might be a personal preference, but I’d take the first person out of this. I can appreciate a little poem that jives on the blues, so for that reason I liked S2 better than S1. That stanza also sounds better to me if you nix the fourth and fifth lines and go straight from “Nowhere street” to the feller without feet.
In S1, you need a comma in line two instead of the period. Also the two sentences don’t completely work for me; the first is ultimately redemptive, but the second is just negative, if you catch my drift. Also “brutal world” sounds like a cliché, but I like the idea of a psalms intro…
Anywhoo, hope this helps a bit, thanks for the read
It might be a personal preference, but I’d take the first person out of this. I can appreciate a little poem that jives on the blues, so for that reason I liked S2 better than S1. That stanza also sounds better to me if you nix the fourth and fifth lines and go straight from “Nowhere street” to the feller without feet.
In S1, you need a comma in line two instead of the period. Also the two sentences don’t completely work for me; the first is ultimately redemptive, but the second is just negative, if you catch my drift. Also “brutal world” sounds like a cliché, but I like the idea of a psalms intro…
Anywhoo, hope this helps a bit, thanks for the read