01-11-2013, 08:55 PM
I agree with billy, it seems too extended. And I have a couple of things:
First - My interpretation of this would be, some form of a inner devil, something evil inside of you which is torturing you, giving you no sleep, killing you inside.
Second - I think you shouldn't repeat some things too many times like "Bruises... These, Bruises... Inside...." or "And still! I put on make-up. I put on make up, still."
- also, way too much use of ellipses. If you use them once, you will still get a thought which is continuing as you wanted, and also you'll give it some "style" let's say.
I think this poem is good, it definitely has potential, and I think you shouldn't give up on this one, work on it more I mean. I love it, sorry if I look too harsh, I'm just trying to help
First - My interpretation of this would be, some form of a inner devil, something evil inside of you which is torturing you, giving you no sleep, killing you inside.
Second - I think you shouldn't repeat some things too many times like "Bruises... These, Bruises... Inside...." or "And still! I put on make-up. I put on make up, still."
- also, way too much use of ellipses. If you use them once, you will still get a thought which is continuing as you wanted, and also you'll give it some "style" let's say.
I think this poem is good, it definitely has potential, and I think you shouldn't give up on this one, work on it more I mean. I love it, sorry if I look too harsh, I'm just trying to help