01-11-2013, 08:38 PM
I admire the bravery of this poem - it puts itself out there naked and raw; unapologetic. One or two content type issues such as L1 - "lifeless in a pool of blood" for what you are trying to say (?unborn child) I don't think the word 'lifeless' is a good choice, I'd prefer a word which implies potential which I think would enhance the poem (my personal views may be intruding here.)Secondly the pool of blood is factually incorrect, ok 'amniotic fluid' ain't half as poetic but maybe 'amniotic pool' or some-such would be more revealing.
L3. 'Everyone forgot' feels forced by the rhyme. It's unlikely everyone forgot there is another option so the line distances me slightly from N.
L5. 'grave her' is original but afraid I don't like it. By all means use the grave/save rhyme but this is too forced to be poetically credible. 'Safer' (no need for "any") is also questionable as it's a half-rhyme, I wonder why bother in this piece to hunt the rhyme, if they fall into place use them if not say what you want to say first, worry about the rhyme afterwards.
L7. Same issue - blands???? a little later joy/toy, again I feel the phrase 'like a toy' is only there for the purpose of rhyme, it doesn't add enough to the idea of the baby being bought by a physical transaction, which incidentally struck me as a good idea which is un-poetically communicated! There are lots of other ways to say physical transaction with a lot more impact.
If 'wealth' is used to provide a rhyme for 'death', it doesn't work, not sure it works in the narrative either.
Despite the negative feel to my critique - the problems I see are mostly to do with chasing rhymes. I'd try to re-do it without that stricture and see what you come up with.
L3. 'Everyone forgot' feels forced by the rhyme. It's unlikely everyone forgot there is another option so the line distances me slightly from N.
L5. 'grave her' is original but afraid I don't like it. By all means use the grave/save rhyme but this is too forced to be poetically credible. 'Safer' (no need for "any") is also questionable as it's a half-rhyme, I wonder why bother in this piece to hunt the rhyme, if they fall into place use them if not say what you want to say first, worry about the rhyme afterwards.
L7. Same issue - blands???? a little later joy/toy, again I feel the phrase 'like a toy' is only there for the purpose of rhyme, it doesn't add enough to the idea of the baby being bought by a physical transaction, which incidentally struck me as a good idea which is un-poetically communicated! There are lots of other ways to say physical transaction with a lot more impact.
If 'wealth' is used to provide a rhyme for 'death', it doesn't work, not sure it works in the narrative either.
Despite the negative feel to my critique - the problems I see are mostly to do with chasing rhymes. I'd try to re-do it without that stricture and see what you come up with.