01-11-2013, 01:17 PM
Welcome Jack!
This really captures the feeling of loneliness with loss and I think using the bed is a perfect reference for these emotions.
"An empty pillow sits alone
Its surface placid, not a wrinkle.
Impostors fill the void on occasion."
I like the idea of using the pillow to start off as an image of it not being touched then shifting to visitors that don't mean anything. "Impostors they are. I wait for my one true, alone" I would get rid of "Impostors they are" because it's stated in the line before, emphasizing isn't necessary.
"The far side of bed a painful reminder."---needs a comma between "bed" and "a"
"...a blank slate.
"Its vacancy quickly filled-either by heart or mind-
With murals of her, and I."
I like the image of this, of different images coming and going, "either by heart or mind" doesn't seem necessary, the feelings is already captured quite nicely and so is the narrator constantly thinking of her.
A very good first post, in my opinion. The message is clear and it comes out in a way that catches the reader's attention and holds it.
This really captures the feeling of loneliness with loss and I think using the bed is a perfect reference for these emotions.
"An empty pillow sits alone
Its surface placid, not a wrinkle.
Impostors fill the void on occasion."
I like the idea of using the pillow to start off as an image of it not being touched then shifting to visitors that don't mean anything. "Impostors they are. I wait for my one true, alone" I would get rid of "Impostors they are" because it's stated in the line before, emphasizing isn't necessary.
"The far side of bed a painful reminder."---needs a comma between "bed" and "a"
"...a blank slate.
"Its vacancy quickly filled-either by heart or mind-
With murals of her, and I."
I like the image of this, of different images coming and going, "either by heart or mind" doesn't seem necessary, the feelings is already captured quite nicely and so is the narrator constantly thinking of her.
A very good first post, in my opinion. The message is clear and it comes out in a way that catches the reader's attention and holds it.