01-11-2013, 12:41 PM
Welcome Sonata!
This has some very thoughtful words and I like the comparison between her and a book, I think that's a good description that could be interpreted in many ways depending on the reader and how they feel or think about books.
The second stanza has some good "bones" to start with but I think there needs to be more, maybe another image to go along with beauty divine and glorious magnificent or just some kind of detail describing why or how she is those things. While you know what you meant when you wrote it, the reader will not and can't connect with the narrator's feelings that he/she has or with the girl the narrator is talking about.
"Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me."
I like that, it shows that she lives within the narrator, it's great way to express love and devotion.
This has some very thoughtful words and I like the comparison between her and a book, I think that's a good description that could be interpreted in many ways depending on the reader and how they feel or think about books.
The second stanza has some good "bones" to start with but I think there needs to be more, maybe another image to go along with beauty divine and glorious magnificent or just some kind of detail describing why or how she is those things. While you know what you meant when you wrote it, the reader will not and can't connect with the narrator's feelings that he/she has or with the girl the narrator is talking about.
"Her gracefulness
is buried deep inside
of me."
I like that, it shows that she lives within the narrator, it's great way to express love and devotion.