01-11-2013, 09:59 AM
All round well worked poem, hope some of the comments help. Thanks TOMH
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Thanks alot for your feedback. This poem was actually about the night my grandmother died and the way I felt. The repetition of "our" was to re-enforce the line "I had my family". And as far as the 3 lines that you said were weak, I thought that it would be best for their simplicity to help portray the mood in the room that night. Those lines pretty much explained all that we could think of that night. I agree that some of the lines are pretty cliche. I'll find ways to revise them but, as a quick question: Is it ALWAYS bad to have a few cliche lines in your poetry? Or is there any appropriate time for it?
All of the comment is just my opinion and what I felt, I have used cliche in the past to make a simple point very clear, Cliche in your poem, in my opinion, weakens the stronger lines, that are excellent. The good thing about feedback is you can take what feels correct and ignore what doesn't.
TOMH
[/quote]
Thanks alot for your feedback. This poem was actually about the night my grandmother died and the way I felt. The repetition of "our" was to re-enforce the line "I had my family". And as far as the 3 lines that you said were weak, I thought that it would be best for their simplicity to help portray the mood in the room that night. Those lines pretty much explained all that we could think of that night. I agree that some of the lines are pretty cliche. I'll find ways to revise them but, as a quick question: Is it ALWAYS bad to have a few cliche lines in your poetry? Or is there any appropriate time for it?
All of the comment is just my opinion and what I felt, I have used cliche in the past to make a simple point very clear, Cliche in your poem, in my opinion, weakens the stronger lines, that are excellent. The good thing about feedback is you can take what feels correct and ignore what doesn't.
TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out