01-11-2013, 08:55 AM
I disagree with others above, I think this is the right place for this poem. You wanted a serious response due to seriousness of this work. I think it's amazing. It seems like you wanted to show us something natural, beautiful, gentle, and you succeeded. Something naive, childish.
These last changes like "Tiny sparkles filled the eyes of a little angel." "The dark filled her eyes with sparkles". I don't think you need those, i'd say the first version was the best. These two are great I'm not saying anything about them specifically but they are turning a wonderful, but yet small, short - though dynamic poem into prose.
You need to understand that everything I just said is my style, and I completely understand if somebody says my advices are bad or something, everyone has it's own style and nobody can tell you what EXACTLY to do, that's the point - freedom, you create something new, something yours.
Considering this is you first poem I'm completely amazed.
One thing, a small advice - if you're writing a poem that is, let's say "cute", small, naive, everything I said earlier, make your words do that for you, don't hide yourself behind strong words like "expressed", you don't need that.
Hope I helped!
These last changes like "Tiny sparkles filled the eyes of a little angel." "The dark filled her eyes with sparkles". I don't think you need those, i'd say the first version was the best. These two are great I'm not saying anything about them specifically but they are turning a wonderful, but yet small, short - though dynamic poem into prose.
You need to understand that everything I just said is my style, and I completely understand if somebody says my advices are bad or something, everyone has it's own style and nobody can tell you what EXACTLY to do, that's the point - freedom, you create something new, something yours.
Considering this is you first poem I'm completely amazed.
One thing, a small advice - if you're writing a poem that is, let's say "cute", small, naive, everything I said earlier, make your words do that for you, don't hide yourself behind strong words like "expressed", you don't need that.
Hope I helped!