Hate

[Todd]

Hi Arriedo,

I absolutely love your first line. It is awesome. There is a large part of me that wanted you to continue in that tone and keep building. The double rhyme on the next line was honestly a bit of a let down from how good the first line was. I don't hate rhyming, and I don't really think you did anything bad with it. It just diminished a lot of expectations I had for the poem.

Obviously, I'm just one reader, and it could be my read. I think you've got some strong content here, and while I know that this may be jarring to some I chose to look at the poem without the rhyme to see what that might look like (presented below). This cut is not intended to say that there is nothing of value on the lines omitted just a way of seeing it differently hopefully to give you some new thoughts.

historically the common denominator in war is hate
the lack of communication, two people two races
religion preaches peace and love but poster boy for war--I think "is a" instead of but
you were old enough to think alone your mind has been polluted
you fight for christ? for buddha? im the anti religion--one question here does anyone fight for buddha....allah maybe...I'd stick with the dominant monotheists on this one (islam, christianity)
because ill embrace my hate and it is the church

I'm not sure that exercise will do much, but there you go. Enjoyed the read, and again especially the first line. What I'd be most interested in seeing is if you could keep the matter of fact tone of that line and pull it through the poem.

Just thoughts,

Todd