01-11-2013, 04:50 AM
The first two lines are O.K., the glimpse/glow effect is kind of crude sounding; but that's just how I feel. And you might want a period.
I may never glimpse your glow again
Or watch your hair do war with wind.
Some more punctuation adjustment. I think you mean she's lost even deeper this time, right?
So memories please never leave;
I’ve lost her once but twice as deep.
You want the "L" in "Lived" for emphasis? Maybe italics? Possessive "nature's". I'll assume "him" is another man? I'm still giving punctuation suggestions till the end.
I may never feel the world is mine
Like when you'd smile and shut off time.
From time to time we Lived in bliss,
In nature's gardens far from him.
Our planted seed had never grown
The light had yet to reach its dome.
The lack of water made it growl
And secrets made it stop and howl.
My heart is shattered, cruel is life;
You rarely spell "I" uppercase, unless it's the first letter of a line; though you have in "And I may never know, why you lied", so I'll fix the others.
I thought I stumbled upon my wife.
So anxiously I fought for us,
While you already had on cuffs.
And I may never know why you lied,
Or how many teardrops I have cried;
Are you sure you want "But" and "yet"? It might work here.---The last few lines need more attention, I think. They start to sound very choppy in structure, and forced. At the same time, I like how they force you to read them at a faster tempo; but that's part of the effect from the periods I stuck in, having the short sentences back to back as they lead to the end.
But yet I know it was a lie.
I wish my ignorance survived.
My feelings void inside her eyes.
I may never love again for life.
There is a lot here that could be smoothed out, and hopefully others can give some more suggestions.
I left the lines:
Our planted seed had never grown
The light had yet to reach its dome.
without a comma; some people simply use the line breaks, and there's no reason to leave the punctuation marks as I put them. You can switch them around if I messed up the flow and phrasing you were going for.
I may never glimpse your glow again
Or watch your hair do war with wind.
Some more punctuation adjustment. I think you mean she's lost even deeper this time, right?
So memories please never leave;
I’ve lost her once but twice as deep.
You want the "L" in "Lived" for emphasis? Maybe italics? Possessive "nature's". I'll assume "him" is another man? I'm still giving punctuation suggestions till the end.
I may never feel the world is mine
Like when you'd smile and shut off time.
From time to time we Lived in bliss,
In nature's gardens far from him.
Our planted seed had never grown
The light had yet to reach its dome.
The lack of water made it growl
And secrets made it stop and howl.
My heart is shattered, cruel is life;
You rarely spell "I" uppercase, unless it's the first letter of a line; though you have in "And I may never know, why you lied", so I'll fix the others.
I thought I stumbled upon my wife.
So anxiously I fought for us,
While you already had on cuffs.
And I may never know why you lied,
Or how many teardrops I have cried;
Are you sure you want "But" and "yet"? It might work here.---The last few lines need more attention, I think. They start to sound very choppy in structure, and forced. At the same time, I like how they force you to read them at a faster tempo; but that's part of the effect from the periods I stuck in, having the short sentences back to back as they lead to the end.
But yet I know it was a lie.
I wish my ignorance survived.
My feelings void inside her eyes.
I may never love again for life.
There is a lot here that could be smoothed out, and hopefully others can give some more suggestions.
I left the lines:
Our planted seed had never grown
The light had yet to reach its dome.
without a comma; some people simply use the line breaks, and there's no reason to leave the punctuation marks as I put them. You can switch them around if I messed up the flow and phrasing you were going for.