Sick

[shemthepenman]

There are parts of this that I really like, at least in terms of concept; it's like a Patrick Bateman poetry reading. However, I assume it is supposed to be comical (a black humour poem), and as such I feel that the comedic elements are hindered by the rhythmical idiosyncrasies and forced rhymes [note, instead of 'relocated' I can't help reading it 'relocating', it just sounds funnier]. And, whereas this is a strength in terms of conveying the disturbing pathology of the author (who I assume, and hope, is a persona); it really doesn’t work for comedy. Comedy, like poetry, has rhythm (or, timing) and I think this poem is slightly too off for the jokes to work [note, of course, some people will actively subvert comedic rhythm for comic effect, but this is a sort of self-aware meta-comedy – maybe this poem should be read like that, but it wasn’t obvious]. I can see the jokes in there, I laughed, indeed… but I just can't fully get at them.
But, it's a fine line you are treading here because the strange rhythm you do have does, there is no doubt, add to the 'sick as fuck[ness]' of it all, and trying to retain that with the humour may be difficult.