Dream Lover

[tectak]

Hi Tectak

I like this, it did take a bit of reading, I find the sentences a bit complicated.




Fuck you and your fantasies that cut me out and cut me up.
I fist the sheets that jerk and pull in satin wake, with you inside. =>this line and the ghosts made me think of coffins, is that what you were after?
The heat between your ghosts and you, soaks and stains
your screaming nights and chills the gap between us 'til I freeze.
I do not wake you as I used to do. I do not want to hear you in the dark;=> I like this though - it is soooo emphatic.
you with your dribbling psycho-babble excusing you with me.=>this is about justification? I found the pronouns a bit difficult, could it be simpler?I do not wake you in the dark to dribble.. I am not sure.
Frigidity comes second, frozen out comes first: if I ever came at all. I am a big fan of hyphens, why not frozen-out as one word for clarity?
So we are back to you; you call the silence pride. What is this pride
that never shines in light to shame the day, that never speaks its name.
Look at me, you bastard, I am real. Touch me or I will become your dream. => and so, I like this concept, relate to the now. Do you think you could get more inference of threat and a future state if you replaced 'your dream' with 'another dream'
or 'another of your dreams'?

on a general note, I felt this was a man to a woman, I suppose because of the psycho-babble, and in the end the protaganist uses 'you bastard'. As a woman I am not sure that any man has ever called me a bastard, so that seemed a bit confusing on the gender front. Somehow the dreamer is portrayed as a self absorbed and silly, stuck somehow. So I am not sure how Bastard goes with that. That is just me.

anyway overall I like it, wordiness and rantiness, frustration at not being as relevant as baggage - nice.


yours

StalkeR

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[quote='tectak' pid='110359' dateline='1357578574']
Edit 1 Arbil

Fuck you and your fantasies that cut me out and cut me up.
I fist the sheets that jerk and pull in satin wake, with you inside.
The heat between your ghosts and you, soaks and stains
your screaming nights and chills the gap between us 'til I freeze.
I do not wake you as I used to do. I do not want to hear you in the dark;
you with your dribbling psycho-babble excusing you with me.
Frigidity comes second, frozen out comes first: if I ever came at all.
So we are back to you; you call the silence pride. What is this pride
that never shines in light to shame the day, that never speaks its name.
Look at me, you bastard, I am real. Touch me or I will become your dream.


tectak
Jan 2012

---

Hi Tectak

I like this, it did take a bit of reading, I find the sentences a bit complicated.

Edit 1 Arbil

Fuck you and your fantasies that cut me out and cut me up.
I fist the sheets that jerk and pull in satin wake, with you inside. =>this line and the ghosts made me think of coffins, is that what you were after?
The heat between your ghosts and you, soaks and stains
your screaming nights and chills the gap between us 'til I freeze.
I do not wake you as I used to do. I do not want to hear you in the dark;=> I like this though - it is soooo emphatic.
you with your dribbling psycho-babble excusing you with me.=>this is about justification? I found the pronouns a bit difficult, could it be simpler?I do not wake you in the dark to dribble.. I am not sure.
Frigidity comes second, frozen out comes first: if I ever came at all. I am a big fan of hyphens, why not frozen-out as one word for clarity?
So we are back to you; you call the silence pride. What is this pride
that never shines in light to shame the day, that never speaks its name.
Look at me, you bastard, I am real. Touch me or I will become your dream. => and so, I like this concept, relate to the now. Do you think you could get more inference of threat and a future state if you replaced 'your dream' with 'another dream'
or 'another of your dreams'?

on a general note, I felt this was a man to a woman, I suppose because of the psycho-babble, and in the end the protaganist uses 'you bastard'. As a woman I am not sure that any man has ever called me a bastard, so that seemed a bit confusing on the gender front. Somehow the dreamer is portrayed as a self absorbed and silly, stuck somehow. So I am not sure how Bastard goes with that. That is just me.

anyway overall I like it, wordiness and rantiness, frustration at not being as relevant as baggage - nice.


yours

StalkeR

Hi Stalker,
Thanks for this. First off...me Tarzan, but writer Jane. This is a condensation of an old story I wrote YEARS ago. The "satin wake" is double entendre. References the way satin sheets look like the "wake" of a boat when a Standard European Erection wig-wams up into them....also wife "wakes" up due to pulling....simply put, a satin wake! It is not necessary to translate (or even be aware of) the obscurity in all its forms....as long as ONE translation works. I hear what you are saying regarding the profligate pronoun but excuse myself in that it says what it must say....she no longer (bothers) wakes him as he bucks about in his dreams, knowing that he will only wake up drooling and turn the argument ad hominem. He will excuse himself by using her as his argument. Not sure about your suggestion of "another" dream as it weakens the intent. I must also say that I am anti-hyphenWords that are meant to be seperate should remain so in my book. Too many hyphens cause the reader to expect them and when they do not come confusion reigns. I feel the same way about road signs indicating "bends coming".
Best and many thanks,
tectak[/i]