01-08-2013, 11:28 AM
Hey Tectak,
"Look at me, you bastard, I am real. Touch me or I will become your dream" is an effective line, I really like that.
"I fist the sheets that jerk and pull in satin wake, with you inside" is also a favorite line
I also like how it never loses a beat to the insult, panning from the narrator being pissed off and ranting to the actual person then with an ultimatum
My 2 nits would be instead of "Fuck you for your fantasies that cut me out and cut me up" I think "Fuck your fantasies that cut me out and cut me up" I just like the idea of cursing and dismissing the fantasies altogether.
I don't think you need the "and" and the comma in line 4
I really like poems like this: it's brutal but honest without effort.
"Look at me, you bastard, I am real. Touch me or I will become your dream" is an effective line, I really like that.
"I fist the sheets that jerk and pull in satin wake, with you inside" is also a favorite line
I also like how it never loses a beat to the insult, panning from the narrator being pissed off and ranting to the actual person then with an ultimatum
My 2 nits would be instead of "Fuck you for your fantasies that cut me out and cut me up" I think "Fuck your fantasies that cut me out and cut me up" I just like the idea of cursing and dismissing the fantasies altogether.
I don't think you need the "and" and the comma in line 4
I really like poems like this: it's brutal but honest without effort.