01-07-2013, 11:22 AM
Heya Brandon
I'm not really familiar with Rondel Prime, so I'm just going to go over the content and hopefully someone who knows this form will go over that for you.
There are some really great things, I just have a few nits here and there:
"Yet deafening noises shatter the dream"--- I would cut out "yet"
"But now, I'm strong enough, to write you this lily of the nile"---I would cut out "But now" it just makes the line longer. Is lily of the nile suppose to be the flower, if so I would capitalize it.
"Loved ones wave, from across the river"---the comma isn't necessary
"Cruel, unacceptable"---could this be elaborated, it would be strong with some detail to go along with it, right now it's just 2 words in the middle of the stanza without anything to cling to, just seems out of place.
"......shatter the dream"---is cliche, I would go with something more original, something more forceful.
To be honest with you, I don't really understand "I made a deal with the Reaper" it may be just me that it seems random.
From what I read on Rondel Prime, it's suppose to have 14 lines which you do, with two rhymes A B a b a b A B and the last stanza can have a b b a A B. It says the meter is open, but it usually follows the common 8 syllables. And it's not suppose to repeat any of the rhymed words.
You have the repeating A B where it is needed (the first 2 lines in the 1st stanza then in the last 2 lines in the 2nd stanza then the last two lines in the 3rd stanza).
I think in my opinion, as far as the content, the overall message was met. I don't think this needs too many images..it might be distracting. It said what it is needed.
Hopefully, this was somewhat helpful to you.
I'm not really familiar with Rondel Prime, so I'm just going to go over the content and hopefully someone who knows this form will go over that for you.
There are some really great things, I just have a few nits here and there:
"Yet deafening noises shatter the dream"--- I would cut out "yet"
"But now, I'm strong enough, to write you this lily of the nile"---I would cut out "But now" it just makes the line longer. Is lily of the nile suppose to be the flower, if so I would capitalize it.
"Loved ones wave, from across the river"---the comma isn't necessary
"Cruel, unacceptable"---could this be elaborated, it would be strong with some detail to go along with it, right now it's just 2 words in the middle of the stanza without anything to cling to, just seems out of place.
"......shatter the dream"---is cliche, I would go with something more original, something more forceful.
To be honest with you, I don't really understand "I made a deal with the Reaper" it may be just me that it seems random.
From what I read on Rondel Prime, it's suppose to have 14 lines which you do, with two rhymes A B a b a b A B and the last stanza can have a b b a A B. It says the meter is open, but it usually follows the common 8 syllables. And it's not suppose to repeat any of the rhymed words.
You have the repeating A B where it is needed (the first 2 lines in the 1st stanza then in the last 2 lines in the 2nd stanza then the last two lines in the 3rd stanza).
I think in my opinion, as far as the content, the overall message was met. I don't think this needs too many images..it might be distracting. It said what it is needed.
Hopefully, this was somewhat helpful to you.