01-07-2013, 10:17 AM
Heya Benny
What a sweet gesture for a friend. From a girl's point of view:
"your smile, your laughter; angelic eyes
Undying kindness like blue endless skies"
Is really a nice thought, but going deeper would allow a better connection...What about her smile you like? What about her laughter you enjoy? What about her angelic eyes do you like? It helps to dig a little deeper so the reader (your friend) can really understand and appreciate the sentiment. "Undying kindness like blue endless skies" is a great metaphor but what does it accomplish? How does it show the reader the'yre undying kindness? It's vague, sweet, but vague.
I'll never forget our first touch of fingers
Our hands produced a warmth that still lingers"
You're on the right track with this, it has connection and it's personal. I think this is a good example of where the rest of the poem should be. I think with it, should include the warmth...warm like what? And why does it linger? But I do like this image and thought in this.
The last 2 lines, in my opinion are untouchable I wouldn't want to change them because those are your true feelings laid out and thats perfectly poetic in itself. So very impressive to include that in the end, a good conclusion.
Good Luck!
What a sweet gesture for a friend. From a girl's point of view:
"your smile, your laughter; angelic eyes
Undying kindness like blue endless skies"
Is really a nice thought, but going deeper would allow a better connection...What about her smile you like? What about her laughter you enjoy? What about her angelic eyes do you like? It helps to dig a little deeper so the reader (your friend) can really understand and appreciate the sentiment. "Undying kindness like blue endless skies" is a great metaphor but what does it accomplish? How does it show the reader the'yre undying kindness? It's vague, sweet, but vague.
I'll never forget our first touch of fingers
Our hands produced a warmth that still lingers"
You're on the right track with this, it has connection and it's personal. I think this is a good example of where the rest of the poem should be. I think with it, should include the warmth...warm like what? And why does it linger? But I do like this image and thought in this.
The last 2 lines, in my opinion are untouchable I wouldn't want to change them because those are your true feelings laid out and thats perfectly poetic in itself. So very impressive to include that in the end, a good conclusion.
Good Luck!