01-06-2013, 03:08 PM
Hey Arriedo
This has a strong point.
I think mostly theres just grammar problems
comma after "yea" in the third line
"your" should be you're---"or that you're more likely..." in line 7
there should be a comma after "kind" in line 8
add "be" after "to" in the last line
This has a significant meaning that you delivered with a punch in each line almost like it's everyone's burden and problem that we all need to solve, very effective approach to address the audience rather than just stating it with no weight.
This has a strong point.
I think mostly theres just grammar problems
comma after "yea" in the third line
"your" should be you're---"or that you're more likely..." in line 7
there should be a comma after "kind" in line 8
add "be" after "to" in the last line
This has a significant meaning that you delivered with a punch in each line almost like it's everyone's burden and problem that we all need to solve, very effective approach to address the audience rather than just stating it with no weight.