Vicissitudes of Fate

[Amedeo]

Welcome Amedeo!
It's so easy to appreciate poems like this, it's blunt and cuts like a knife!
You mentioned that you think you're not done but I feel the last line is a good punch. To me a poem's last line should possess the overall emotion of the whole piece and be the strongest and "I roll a fat one to feel like God's there" did just that.

I think you should begin with the "Dear Son" line that seems a stronger line and more emotionally gripping

"Don't hate money, money is a funny friend"---that's a great way to express the opinion of money in the narrator's life. I don't think you need "Don't hate money" because money is written twice in that line and then again in the line after "they spent money on sins" (it could be "spent on sins" or any variation of that)

There's a lot of unimportant lines mixed in with solid lines "in the only room that could see the lonely moon" / "it's hot at the noon but its only June" (or maybe I just don't understand them)/ "they say lifes cruel" (cliche)

There are some grammar/spelling errors: lord---Lord in (stanza 2), okey---okay (in stanza 3)

Overall, this has potential and you're on the right track. In parts of it (specifically in stanza 2) there seem to be observations that felt unfinished (meaning it jumps from one topic to another without the reader getting the full effect) if that makes any sense...? I like the message, I also thought it was really good to go from the narrator's observations of tragedy to personal tragedy.

This is all just my opinion. I hope this was helpful.

Thanks man! I really appreciate your comment man it makes a lot of sense. I'm actually a rapper, this is a song I just wrote. I study poetry/music/philosophy, and I believe that meaningful poetry could very well be incorporated into music (with carefully designed rhythmic patterns). This was written conscious of a steady beat and I just really wanted to hear opinions from pure poets on it!

One difference between pure poems and musical poems (rap) is that the latter requires constantly coming up multi-syllable rhymes. "life's cruel" is kinda of cliche, I totally agree man, only if I didn't need it there to rhyme with "slide through", "side" and "died too".. hahaha maybe when i record it out it will sound better? And all those seemingly unrelated lines..

One last thing, can you think of a better title for me? Maybe Attempted Blasphemy doesn't quite fit this song? Another reason is that I don't wanna waste this title, cuz I think I could write a real blasphemy, feel me

Thanks man!

Amadeo