01-05-2013, 11:31 AM
Welcome Amedeo!
It's so easy to appreciate poems like this, it's blunt and cuts like a knife!
You mentioned that you think you're not done but I feel the last line is a good punch. To me a poem's last line should possess the overall emotion of the whole piece and be the strongest and "I roll a fat one to feel like God's there" did just that.
I think you should begin with the "Dear Son" line that seems a stronger line and more emotionally gripping
"Don't hate money, money is a funny friend"---that's a great way to express the opinion of money in the narrator's life. I don't think you need "Don't hate money" because money is written twice in that line and then again in the line after "they spent money on sins" (it could be "spent on sins" or any variation of that)
There's a lot of unimportant lines mixed in with solid lines "in the only room that could see the lonely moon" / "it's hot at the noon but its only June" (or maybe I just don't understand them)/ "they say lifes cruel" (cliche)
There are some grammar/spelling errors: lord---Lord in (stanza 2), okey---okay (in stanza 3)
Overall, this has potential and you're on the right track. In parts of it (specifically in stanza 2) there seem to be observations that felt unfinished (meaning it jumps from one topic to another without the reader getting the full effect) if that makes any sense...? I like the message, I also thought it was really good to go from the narrator's observations of tragedy to personal tragedy.
This is all just my opinion. I hope this was helpful.
It's so easy to appreciate poems like this, it's blunt and cuts like a knife!
You mentioned that you think you're not done but I feel the last line is a good punch. To me a poem's last line should possess the overall emotion of the whole piece and be the strongest and "I roll a fat one to feel like God's there" did just that.
I think you should begin with the "Dear Son" line that seems a stronger line and more emotionally gripping
"Don't hate money, money is a funny friend"---that's a great way to express the opinion of money in the narrator's life. I don't think you need "Don't hate money" because money is written twice in that line and then again in the line after "they spent money on sins" (it could be "spent on sins" or any variation of that)
There's a lot of unimportant lines mixed in with solid lines "in the only room that could see the lonely moon" / "it's hot at the noon but its only June" (or maybe I just don't understand them)/ "they say lifes cruel" (cliche)
There are some grammar/spelling errors: lord---Lord in (stanza 2), okey---okay (in stanza 3)
Overall, this has potential and you're on the right track. In parts of it (specifically in stanza 2) there seem to be observations that felt unfinished (meaning it jumps from one topic to another without the reader getting the full effect) if that makes any sense...? I like the message, I also thought it was really good to go from the narrator's observations of tragedy to personal tragedy.
This is all just my opinion. I hope this was helpful.