Apart

[tectak]

Hello serge,
I am going line by line on this one. Please forgive me if I assume incorrectly that english is not your first spoken language. I believe you think good thoughts in one language but then find difficulty in imparting the same to your work. It could, and may, be worse. You may think you are expressing yourself well This is a problem which occurs in any poetry, and it is because of the certainty felt by the poet that everyone else thinks as he/she does. l Because I see that there is poetic potential I am going to crit this piece as though you were blissfully unaware of the foregoing.

What ultimately tore us apart It is a question? Even if rhetorical it requires a question mark so that the reader know it is not the start of an answer.
I'm not the one to ask, baby.
Don't ask me! I see that you want to express your frustration/anger in this line but it is in danger of being a repeat of the line above. Just "So don't" might work.
And you know it better than me anyway.This relates,or doesn't, to L1 where the question demands an explanatory answer. Can you see this? Q." What tore us apart?"
A. " You know it" .
The answer does not fit the question. Your poem, you fix it.

We fell out, you too I hope, Again, if "we" fell out then "you" is already unquestionably included. "You, too, I hope" is redundant. You could say " We fell out of love, at least I did, and I hope you did too"
of love.

Does it not seem, as if it No comma mid line
is all gone, with you so cold next to me? I know what you are trying to say but the question/answer relationship is, again, a little flaky. Try " Does it not seem as if it has all gone?
You are so cold beside me.

There is a chance you prove me wrong...could prove me wrong
but will you give it a try?

I would lay down Hyperspace leap to this stanza. Way too sudden into the the jaws of sex. Sadly, and it is a reflection of our times, the female porn stars lead us, by overt enthusiasm, to believe that once we passive males are between their legs, THEY have THEIR way with us. The opposite used to apply. I am 64 and open to suggestion/correction.
between your legs
and let you have your way.
Blind me with your light, Oh, I've seen this act. There's a torch up there. How the hell you can get a torch AND a cliche this big up there is mind boggling.
do me as you like,


Should I be pleased,
I would not run away

anymore.


Most likely.This weird line spacing is gratuitous. How is the piece improved? That is the question...but "Should I be pleased" sounds like one,too. "If you please me" fits a little more comfortably.

I end as I began. Lots of imaginative thinking but is it from experience or from heresay? Do not answer...it is rhetorical and probably of no consequence. I like what you are trying to say and strangely enjoy your effort in trying to say it. There is something uncomplicated which I find refreshing. Take a little more care of the "meaningfullness" of words, lines and stanzas and you will write some fine stuff.
Best,
tectak Remember, all is opinion.