01-04-2013, 04:06 AM
Hello Haunter,
Welcome to the site! You've got a good spoken piece going here. I would imagine with good delivery it would be effective and entertaining. A couple comments to strengthen it:
It may just be a bias on my part but if your first line repeats your title I think you can lose the first line. Let the title carry the exposition.
L2: It doesn't sound bad. The introduction of the wall is important.
L3: Good line. I'm not sure you need the and
L4: This give back a little bit sounds trivial compared to the build up. I think you can take the first phrase and use it on Line 5 as the lead in.
L5: I don't think you need be
L10: As a spoken piece it doesn't matter, as a written one maybe a line break after Stan Lee
L11: same comment as above probably a line break after Jobs' and probably cut memory because you use it on line 12 and it really isn't needed for clarity or tone.
L12: maybe line break after memory
L13-14: The shorter lines do not require an additional line break in my opinion.
One thing to consider Jobs is dead, and Madonna is ceasing to be relevant. You may want to update them with someone more contemporary. It's a problem inherent in cultural references. They work, they just may work better with newer figures for those two. Definitely with Jobs though who is dead. He can't be refreshed about anything.
I'd also like to second the comment on ellipses in poetry. They almost always should not be used to excess.
L17-18: I really enjoyed those lines. The idea of America as a dying salesman, a sad figure really is a nice close.
I hope the comments will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
Welcome to the site! You've got a good spoken piece going here. I would imagine with good delivery it would be effective and entertaining. A couple comments to strengthen it:
It may just be a bias on my part but if your first line repeats your title I think you can lose the first line. Let the title carry the exposition.
L2: It doesn't sound bad. The introduction of the wall is important.
L3: Good line. I'm not sure you need the and
L4: This give back a little bit sounds trivial compared to the build up. I think you can take the first phrase and use it on Line 5 as the lead in.
L5: I don't think you need be
L10: As a spoken piece it doesn't matter, as a written one maybe a line break after Stan Lee
L11: same comment as above probably a line break after Jobs' and probably cut memory because you use it on line 12 and it really isn't needed for clarity or tone.
L12: maybe line break after memory
L13-14: The shorter lines do not require an additional line break in my opinion.
One thing to consider Jobs is dead, and Madonna is ceasing to be relevant. You may want to update them with someone more contemporary. It's a problem inherent in cultural references. They work, they just may work better with newer figures for those two. Definitely with Jobs though who is dead. He can't be refreshed about anything.
I'd also like to second the comment on ellipses in poetry. They almost always should not be used to excess.
L17-18: I really enjoyed those lines. The idea of America as a dying salesman, a sad figure really is a nice close.
I hope the comments will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson