01-03-2013, 09:52 PM
(01-03-2013, 08:35 PM)serge gurkski Wrote: Brilliant! I'm in the unknown as to Columbian streets. I can imagine something illegal. ;-)Hello serge,
Guardian?
L2: My my (as much as I love the song by Neil. it's a bit redundant. I know it's just a typo. I do that all the time.
Content-wise on L3: Why is the death of a flower etc inconsequential. It is consequential in the harvest, me thought. But do not get me wrong: I love these metaphors. Just that in line four I find the comma disturbing. In my ear the line rolls better without it.
L5: by my side: a tad cliché. Line 7. do you really need „yet“?
Absolutely love the last 2 lines!
Very fine stuff. It was a joy to read.
cheers
Serge
Thanks for this. I will remove that comma as it bothers me,too. The "yet" is to emphasise that whilst the character SHOULD have been afraid, he was not. It is an abbrevited form of "in spite of this".
I don' t see the two me's unless it is a " Paris in the the Spring" thing. I will look again. Bugger me. Found me. Thanks. Columbian streets. Murder capital. gunshots day and night. They even take pops at police helicopters. Bang.......screeeeeeeaaaaaamm!............bang..,bang....screeeeeeeam
Regarding inconsequentialities....allow me this as I did say "a" flower/leaf. Singular.
Cliche? Yes. I think you are right.........but isn't everything if that's what we all say
Best,
tectak