The Dark Knight

[tectak]

Hi! Nice to meet fellow poetry enthusiasts here. =) I'm hoping to get valuable criticism from this forum, so feel free to be as harsh as possible. I appreciate everyone who reads my poems, and also the comments given.

The Dark Knight

The monster has claws, fangs, and a rumbling stomach. If we are off to a metaphorical start could I suggest brevity. If a metaphor is too wordy it becomes the reality it eludes to and not the metaphor you intended. Metaphors should clarify not obscure. Also, you mix the metaphor in a single line......you may as well say claws, fangs and tells jokes.
An elusive beast, omnipresent under the moonlight. Be careful. Elusive and omnipresent are almost opposites. Is this what you meant to say? It is like saying "I watched him move invisibly....."

It’s onto you, you know, when the very tip of its sharp appendages A clumsy line, here. Not made better by mixing singular (the tip) and plural (appendages). Also, the reader can feel a trend towards misplaced vernacular...and there will be more I fear
Run down your spine. Escape, just scram, don’t think, here it comes...just scram sits uneasily with the narrative..,..but I am worried that it will prove to be the narrative that is misplaced....where is this going? The metaphor is extended to breaking point. Are we going surreal? I think you need to reel in your excitement because your imagination is becoming too inward and is leaving the reader out of the piece.
Until dawn cracks. Don’t let it grab you, pull you down, and see what I mean? You didn't notice the bloody great cliche at the start of this line....you just got carried away with something...I know not what....but I suspect it is the city that never sleeps or somesuch. Fight cliche with cliche I say
Swallow you whole. Be wary, be conscious, or you’ll be digested
Not knowing when, how, or why.
The city has claws, fangs, and a rumbling stomach. Oh bugger, I was right. This line pre-empts the ending. You could delete it until the last line to round the piece off. Just a suggestion.

I’m a spawn of the monster, yearning to put it to
To quiet the dark, buried heart that
Beats noisily every night, and sometimes day as well.
I’m a spawn of the monster, but different from the rest.
They relish in the beast’s mane, prancing
In neon delirium. They polish its weapons, I
Break them. They love their ma
I loathe it. I like what you are trying to do here but there is verbage that the street collectors have left behind. Check up on you word usage. Spawn is not reasonably used in the singular. The labrynthian and convoluted metaphors are dizzying. Relishing in the beast's mane is unclear. Relishing what? Prancing in "neon delirium" sounds better than it is......but it does not sound good as the monster has developed equine characteristics as it prances and tosses its main. The original metaphorical beast had no such attributes. That's the trouble with over-extended metaphors. I think this last cluster is probably superfluous. You are overkilling the whole piece with suffocating imagination. Better too much imagination than too little....but keep some of your bullets back.

Human spirit, innate good; keeping the fight alive.
Beneath the vile corruption, beyond the wretched bile,
There must be compassion. Remove the pollution that
Became the accepted state of being. The fiend will die,
Alongside the plague it brought. Then comes the uardian,
Alongside the peace and smiles. And I, shall be lowered
Into the earth with the city’s darkness, waiting for the time to
Rise again, should the foul heart starts beating once more.

I cannot hold back on this. The last stanza is a rant.....and accordingly is out of all control. You have tossed all the soiled societal rags into a washing machine and hope that a good dose of hypochlorite will make everything all white again. The evangelical fervour in the end stanza is not dignifying because it is not fitting. There is a much voiced clamour in the piece which anyone would find difficult
to write anything new about. It is to your credit that you tried. My only advice would be to cut it down significantly.......significancy is the key word here.

Best,tectak