Addiction

[billy]

hi danipecci. the syl count is spot on but it has a bit of baggage in places.
good to see you have an aim. one good thing is that it isn't rhyming, it means you can remove and edit without think of the end rhymes.

Hi, I've written a poem in syllabic verse and wondered how I could make it better. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.

Addiction
 
You are my sordid, perfect secret, a suggestion to replace 'you are';[my sordid, perfectly kept secret] though perfect and perfectly kept are both redundant if you think about it
You are my hero, my heroin; again you could add something stronger than 'you are'
I crave you more than a thousand pills; it's beginning to get run of the mill, it needs some depth. 'i crave' you in an addiction poem is a waste of words. it's what the poems about, addiction poems can be really hard to be original
Your body against mine-ecstasy, again it's too obvious.
Like the needle that pierces my skin;
Coke me up baby, then let me down.
Let me get high on this endless lust,
Love is for others, we cannot be.
I try to hallucinate a life
Of pure, wholesome domesticity;
But you see, those dreams are too fleeting;
Reality aches like the morning,
Of blue bruises and shadows of joy;
Would legality crush our passion? i like the questioning of this line
We thrive on the rush that floods our veins,
Forbidden alleys that deal deceit;
No one has guessed and no one can know;
You and me and Charlie rule this world.
You are my snow fall, my knight gone wrong;
I am on a pathway to the sky;
Tell me you love me and I might die.

crave, ecstasy, coke, needle, high, hallucinate, rush, veins, are all too commonly associated with addiction. Charlie is also a common euphamism for coke but in the instance used it works okay as does snow in snow fall.
try and be more subtle or more in you're face.


you dissolve me, clog me up, and peel me
a banana skin on the yellow floor of coward
you leave me fucked in and out, coco
the smashed in clown
drowning, gasping for your transient touch
and still i want to smell your numbing pain
a sad-happy ebb and endless fucked up flow

while it's not the best write in the world, with an edit or two it could become an addiction poem. yours is the same. at present you need to tone down the drug phraseology and up the image quality

thanks for the read