01-03-2013, 01:22 PM
Welcome DN9!
While reading this I couldn't help but to think of a song Endless Love a duet by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross.
"I thought its be cute" did you mean "I thought it'll be cute"
"Something'd"- something's
Just minor typos
This seems tight, that are no long lines with a lot of words that are not necessary---very good!
I wonder if maybe you could experiement a little with some images that connect to the emotions.
Example:"must scream in her mind" describe it further, play with it like "must screech forms her mind" Just play with this a little and do what ever you're most comfortable with.
I like this, it has guilt but yet innocence to this. I believe most parents feel that their kids are dating a bad influence even if it isn't true. The words have captured the story well enough, it just needs some images.
While reading this I couldn't help but to think of a song Endless Love a duet by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross.
"I thought its be cute" did you mean "I thought it'll be cute"
"Something'd"- something's
Just minor typos
This seems tight, that are no long lines with a lot of words that are not necessary---very good!
I wonder if maybe you could experiement a little with some images that connect to the emotions.
Example:"must scream in her mind" describe it further, play with it like "must screech forms her mind" Just play with this a little and do what ever you're most comfortable with.
I like this, it has guilt but yet innocence to this. I believe most parents feel that their kids are dating a bad influence even if it isn't true. The words have captured the story well enough, it just needs some images.