01-03-2013, 10:02 AM
Typos aside, how can you see your 'despicable hue' if you're in total darkness? My main gripe with the poem is that you're telling the readers too much; so much so that you ended up not making much sense. The feeling I get is that you're trying to describe what darkness is like for you. For that to really work, strong imageries are required. I believe that your choice of words can be improved to further strengthen the imagery of your poem. For example, "And the bright beauty of light" doesn't really make light seem very desirable. Something like "longing for the warm embrace of light" makes light feel more alive. What I like about this poem is the flow. It flows very nicely, and when read it rolls of the tongue smoothly. It not really making much sense kills it. I also like the rhyme scheme, but you didn't maintain it in the last 2 lines I believe.
Back!