12-31-2012, 05:18 AM
This poem was nice and had a very unique touch to it that made it original (which is somewhat rare to come upon in "novice" poets.) I believe this poem has a lot of potential, it just needs some tightening up. For example in the fourth stanza you say "so badly needed, nor a friendly bottle of Rum" it seems a bit awkward, a little too wordy because you elaborate and say "so badly needed" and it ruins the flow, thus causing the reader to go back and reread that stanza to understand your full intentions. Your fifth stanza the one that starts with "He must refill his tank" needs some editing because it creates an imbalance in your poem, due to your wordiness, but I'm not sure what to tell you to cut out because I'm sure all the words in that stanza have a purpose to you and I'm simply the reader so I don't have the same outlook on your poem as you, but either way if you edit the fifth stanza and the fourth one and maybe overlook some of your other ones you feel are awkward then you'll have a pristine poem.